


I’m taking one last chance to find my sanity

by lifewasradical



Series: Band Bonding [4]
Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Band Bonding Part 4!!!!, Driving, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Holding Hands, Humor, I mean we knew that was coming, Jeopardy, Love Confessions, M/M, Swearing, how much can I tag without giving it away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:09:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29257230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: “No offense Alex, but you’re really fucking boring. You’ve now taken Rian’s place as most boring in the band,” Jack says, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.“I don’t really see how watching Jeopardy is band bonding,” Zack adds, taking a sip from his white claw.Or, Band Bonding Part Four.
Relationships: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Series: Band Bonding [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110224
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	I’m taking one last chance to find my sanity

**Author's Note:**

> okay hi hello, here we are for the final part of band bonding. to be honest, I bounced between approximately 10 different ideas for this until I finally settled on my concept thanks to [Taylor](https://michaelownsmyheart.tumblr.com), though I know she won't read this. additional thanks to [Emily](https://pixiegrl.tumblr.com) for talking me through all these parts and reading everything before I post. final shoutout to [Bella](https://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com) for starting me on Jalex in the first place with the first prompt and for always sending very interesting band bonding concepts, which got us here today. 
> 
> title from Safe Haven by State Champs

“No offense Alex, but you’re really fucking boring. You’ve now taken Rian’s place as most boring in the band,” Jack says, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

“I don’t really see how watching Jeopardy is band bonding,” Zack adds, taking a sip from his white claw.

“I’m sorry, fuck off? I think this is pretty decent bonding, we’re all learning together and enriching our brains. We’re on the board! We can’t quit now,” Alex says, turning up the volume a few notches to drown out the complaints.

“Look, the category is _Day, Drinking_ , that’s fucking made for us!” Alex yells, before listening to the question.” The question is “ _Grab a bottle of Don Julio or 1800 on July 24, the national day for this liquor_ ”. Alex knows the answer immediately, but looks over at the other three to take in their level of investment.

“Tequila, baby!” Jack yells, swinging his hand around wildly and almost knocking over Zack’s can. Zack grabs it off the coffee table aggressively, narrowing his eyes at Jack’s offense.

“I can see why you’re into this,” Jack hums, “If all the questions were about alcohol, I would be much more invested too.”

He’s grinning from his spot next to Alex, eyes wide at the television. It’s quite distracting, seeing him lit up and focused on something that Alex is interested in. But Alex can’t get too off track, seeing the bored expressions on both Zack and Rian’s faces. They have other plans to attend to, a part two of their band bonding happening in just a little while.

Alex just wanted to be a little shit and see how long that he could convince them that their only activity of today was going to be sitting on the couch watching television. He’s not that cruel, just likes fucking with the boys.

“Seriously though, are we going to do anything else? Like this is fun and all but, I can feel my grey hairs growing.” Jack complains, threading his hand into the back of Alex’s hair. The sensation is dizzying, Alex having to take a deep breath to keep himself focused on anything other than Jack.

Even then, Alex can imagine a future where this gesture means more than just a friendly interaction. He wants to come downstairs in the morning to Jack making tea in the kitchen and wrap his arms around his torso. Alex wants to come in from taking the dogs for a walk to Jack laying on the couch, watching a movie and talking to himself about all the plot holes. He wants to be working on music in his studio and have Jack walk in with a bottle of water and a gentle kiss on the forehead.

He wants the domestic bliss of sitting on the couch at night with a glass of wine, watching Jeopardy while the dogs sleep at their feet. Alex wants it all so badly that he’s willing to take the jump, to follow behind the lead he’s been given by Jack these past few times they’ve all been together. He knows he’s not alone in his feelings, the signals impossibly bright, but it’s still terrifying.

Alex opens his eyes, blinking away the thoughts and clears his throat as he sits up and away from Jack. “Sure, let’s get going to the real bonding activity.”

“Thank fucking god, I was really worried we were about to just binge watch game shows all afternoon,” Rian says. He rolls his eyes as he stands up, Jack making grabby hands to ask for help standing. Rian pulls him up and dodges the kiss that Jack tries to plant on his cheek as a thank you.

Alex tries to ignore the jealousy that has his eyes narrowing unreasonably.

“Where are we going?” Zack asked, crushing his can after taking the last gulp. He leaves for the kitchen to recycle the can before Alex even has a chance to reply.

“Let just get in the car and you’ll find out,” Alex says, grabbing his keys on the way towards the door.

“Shotgun!” Jack yells, pushing past all of them to leave the house first, racing to the car as if anyone will fight him for the spot. They all just look at him unimpressed, Alex at least a little entertained by the fact that Jack is so enthusiastic when he doesn’t even know where they’re going. His dedication to making the most out of any situation is inspiring, a seemingly never ending smile on Jack’s face.

Once they’re all properly seated and buckled, Alex takes off down the road towards town, ignoring the questions about where he’s taking them. There’s never any sense of surprise anymore when they share everything, so Alex holds his few secrets close to his heart.

“We’re probably on our way to die,” Jack offers, nodding once as he scrolls through Spotify to put on music.

“We’re not going to die, we’re probably going to some boujee winery or something,” Rian counters, watching the trees as they pass.

“I’m just glad this is the last band bonding,” Zack deadpans. Alex can see Jack swivel around out of the corner of his eye, feeling the intense stare that Jack is obviously shooting towards Zack. “I’m kidding?” Zack adds, equally monotoned but wanting Jack to stop glowering at him.

“Sit straight, Jack,” Alex reminds, not wanting to deal with what happens if Jack gets injured.

Jack mutters something under his breath that sounds dangerously like, “can’t sit straight if I’m not straight.” Alex chooses to ignore that.

They drive in relative silence, some new indie pop artist that Jack likes playing on the speakers. It’s a comforting type of quiet, the kind that can only be inhabited by people who are so inherently comfortable with each other. There’s no need to fill the space with small talk, though they could if they needed to. Countless years of living in each other's pockets gives each of them the knowledge needed to engage any of them in conversation.

They pull up to a small building on a more secluded street, everyone too engrossed in their phones to realize that Alex has stopped the car. He clears his throat, waiting for anyone to make a comment.

“PUPPIES?” Jack yells, looking up at the sign for an animal rescue, then back to Alex quickly. Rian and Zack both snap their heads up, blinking at the building in front of them.

“And kitties and probably other animals. Sometimes they have bunnies,” Alex adds, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Are we adopting a band animal for band bonding? I refuse to try to share an animal with any of you,” Zack snips, getting out of the car himself.

“No, god that would be fucking chaos. We’re here to help socialize the animals, or walk them, whatever you want to do,” Alex replies. He locks the car once they’ve all exited, circling around the car to follow the boys inside.

Jack hangs back a bit, grinning at Alex. “I’m sorry for calling you boring, this is actually the most fun thing we could possibly be doing,” Jack laughs, wrapping an arm around Alex’s shoulder. He’d be lying if the simple gesture didn’t make his heart flutter, butterflies orbiting around his ribcage.

They continue after Rian and Zack, entering the shelter and signing in as volunteers. They’re asked what they want to do- walk dogs, help with grooming, or play with kittens. Zack and Rian decide that they want to walk the dogs, saying that they’ll be able to get in part of their cardio for the day by walking a few of the pups around the property. Jack immediately goes for the cats, saying physical activity or manual labor sounds horrible.

Alex is left by himself for a moment, knowing that he’s going to follow Jack anywhere, including straight into the cat room. Even though he only paused for no more than a few seconds, Jack already has a lapful of cats when Alex walks in. There’s got to be at least fifteen cats circling around Jack, climbing on his legs and marking his elbows.

He’s giggling, fucking giddy at the cats giving him all the attention in the world. Alex can’t help but smile, filled with warmth and adoration. The need to blurt out all his feelings hits stronger than Alex anticipates, words falling off the tip of his tongue. Jack, cuddled up on the floor smiling and serene, brings up that ever present ache that this is all Alex wants.

And when Jack looks up at Alex like he’s hung the stars in the sky and nothing else matters but him, there’s a heavy pause where it’s almost right to say those words, the ones that Jack is desperately waiting for. Alex knows it’s all on him, he’s the one who’s making things difficult, but this is Jack, and Jack deserves all the beauty in the world and more. His declaration should be more dramatic than standing in the middle of an animal shelter.

So instead, Alex sits on the floor next to Jack, close enough for their knees to touch, and he plays with the cats. Jack lowers his shoulders just the smallest amount, almost unnoticeable if Alex weren’t so damn in tune with every move of Jack’s body. But Jack’s walls are built up high enough that Alex can’t see over to the other side to differentiate that fall as a relieved sigh or a disappointed one.

“You look happy,” Alex comments after a minute. He’s not sure if he means that or if he’s trying to convince himself that Jack is happy, scratching an orange cat behind the ears. It purrs loudly, eyes closed in content. Alex thinks how Jack looks similar when he runs a hand through his hair, his head resting softly on Alex’s lap after a long day in the studio or a lazy morning on his couch.

“I’m always happy,” Jack offers, smiling overdramatically at Alex. It’s unconvincing, but Alex lets him get away with it. Jack scoops a black cat off the floor, pressing his face into the fur and making loud kissy noises. The cat meows unhappily and pushes away from Jack.

“Guess I’m not good with cats,” Jack laughs, just a tiny puff of air. He throws a toy mouse across the room, watching the way that half the population of cats run after the toy. His smile grows a little more genuine, eyes wrinkled on the sides. Alex can’t take his eyes off of him.

“The dogs are gonna be pissed when I get home,” Alex says weakly, desperate to fill the silence with something other than cats talking to each other loudly. Jack laughs for lack of anything else to say and they’re both happy when Zack and Rian return from walking a few dogs shortly after.

Alex wants nothing more than for things to be a little less stiff between them and he knows that only he can fix that. Jack’s thrown him enough lifelines recently, given just a bit too much in an effort to show Alex that he’s interested. Yet, the small nagging voice in the back of Alex’s head reminds him that no matter how good things _could be_ , there’s no way to know for sure that they’re not going to crash and burn immediately.

They finish their volunteering with a quick trip into see what other animals are up for adoption, with Jack terrifying a poor lop eared bunny by squealing as soon as he saw it. Alex refuses to follow the train of thought that has him getting a bunny for Jack in the near future, just to see that same excited smile day in and day out.

On their way out, Jack launches himself onto Rian’s back, “I need you to carry me, I can’t possibly walk any further.”

“The car is like, fifteen feet away Jack,” Rian groans, holding onto Jack’s thighs for just long enough to catch up with Zack. He puts him down, rolling his eyes at Jack’s exaggerated grumbling about how _unfair and selfish and rude Rian is for not bringing him out to his chariot_.

“Are we continuing the band bonding elsewhere? Because I really need to make my workout for the day and I don’t think that any of you want to join me on that one,” Zack says, already walking towards the car before the rest of them have a chance to discuss the next move.

Rian points at Zack excitedly, “You know what? I’m actually down to join you, if you’d go easy on me because I absolutely can’t do the shit you do.”

“Fucking nerds,” Jack laughs, heading towards the car himself. Alex just stands in their wake, looking at the rest of his band with a tiny hint of a wistful smile. It’s nice, having them all in the same place for fun activities completely unrelated to the band. He knows that it won’t last forever and these moments will become memories faster than he’s willing to accept, but Alex would love nothing more than to live in these frames for the rest of his time, reliving the happiness.

Though, there’s still one thing that he wants to change about all of these snapshots.

And as if they’re in some sappy indie movie, Jack turns to face Alex with a fond smile on his face. Alex knows he’s transparent, that every emotion in his mind is clear as day. Or, maybe it’s only that evident because it’s Jack, who has every line memorized. “Coming?” he says, reaching a hand back towards Alex.

As much as he wants to, Alex doesn’t dare take Jack’s hand, knowing that once he does, he’s never letting it go. Instead he circles the car and gets in, inhaling deeply to ready himself for the next part of his plan.

“So driver, please take us to the residence of one Merrick family,” Jack says in a faux posh accent. Alex rolls his eyes but smiles against his will, throwing the car into drive. Rian and Zack are discussing the intricacies of their plan for the evening, what weights they’re doing and betting on how many reps Rian will be able to stay standing for.

Jack, however, stays silent as he watches the houses pass by them. Alex steals lingering glances at him every time they stop, wondering what’s happening inside Jack’s mind. He’s just a bit too pensive for it to be a casual silence, along with the fact that Jack can never shut the fuck up for more than a minute on a bad day, let alone a good one. This is supposed to be a good day.

Alex leans over to nudge Jack with his elbow at the next stoplight, gaining his attention. When Jack’s eyes are on Alex, Alex offers a small smile and a questioning head tilt, silently asking if everything is okay. Instead of responding, Jack’s eyes flicker around Alex’s face, searching for something in the wrinkles and smooth expanses.

When he doesn’t find what he’s looking for, Jack deflates a little. He still nods, offering a just slightly ingenuine smile in response. It’s not enough and it never will be, Alex thinks, noting the way that he wants to do absolutely anything in his power to make sure that Jack is never sad again.

As if on autopilot, Alex gets them back to Zack’s place without much incident, only Rian complaining that Alex brakes too hard. Zack’s response to that was making a jab at Rian’s lack of braking in general, which derailed them down into another sub conversation about driving skills.

Zack opens the door and leaves with only a two finger salute as an exit, though Jack blows him a kiss through the window. Rian lingers for a minute, “Do either of you want to join us? I know it’s not really your scene but it could be fun?” The despondent tone to his voice is more of a confirmation of truth than anything else, neither Alex nor Jack are going to join the fun.

“Sorry Ri, not today,” Alex says, turning around a little in his seat to get a parting glance at Rian. Jack doesn’t bother responding at all, letting his disgusted glare say more than enough.

Rian sighs and nods, not at all surprised as he opens the car door and starts to get out. But as Alex turns around to face forward, the heavy hand on his shoulder says more than Rian’s words would ever be able to say, a firm squeeze.

This is your chance, the voice in Alex’s head says, sounding suspiciously like Rian’s voice. Alex swallows, closing his eyes for a moment to recollect himself before waving to Rian and Zack as they enter Zack’s house.

Alex doesn’t make any moves to get them back on the road again, car humming uselessly. He just needs to bite the bullet, get them on the road and moving forwards one way or another. There’s limited options here anyway, considering that they haven’t spent any alone time together since laser tag. Alex can’t keep circling the conversations forever, hoping that his feelings will change and things will get easier again.

“Do you wanna keep driving for a bit? Keep up the band bonding with just the two of us?” Alex asks, nerves crawling up his throat as he rushes to get them out. Once they’re floating in the air between them, there’s nothing Alex can do to take them back.

Jack pauses, pursing his lips slightly in actual thought. There’s a second where Alex thinks that he’s going to ask to just go home. “Band bonding for two? At least take me on a date first,” Jack says instead, licking his bottom lip.

 _That’s all I want in life_ , Alex’s brain supplies. His mouth gives, “If you’re going to be raunchy, then I’ll just take you back to your place.”

Jack grins, barely masking the anxiety in his eyes. “Now that’s even more suggestive,” he says waggling his eyebrows, turning a little in his seat so he’s angled more towards Alex. There’s a pause where Jack waits for Alex’s next snarky remark, but it never comes.

Alex wants to fill the silence with a joke or something to lighten the mood. Alex also wants a lot of other things, like to reach over the center console and to kiss Jack silly. He wants to fall asleep tangled together and wake up with Jack in his arms. He wants to be able to go back out on the road in the future and not have to tiptoe around his own fucking emotions every single day in fear of upsetting the balance.

He just wants to be done with this game. He works up the nerve as they drive farther away from Zack’s house, way off into the winding roads and endless patches of tar ahead of them. All he needs to do is open his mouth and let his filter go and just _tell Jack how he feels_.

He reaches the patch of road that Jack loves, following around a river at the base of a short mountain. It’s the same place that they drive through whenever they want to escape reality for a little while, scenery enough of a distraction to invade whatever's going on in their minds. It’s the perfect place for a confession, Alex thinks, the urge to speak the truth finally clawing its way out of his throat.

Alex breathes in.

“I should have kissed you when we were doing laser tag. I should have kissed you in Rian’s bathroom. Hell, I should have kissed you walking back from the lake. I wanted to kiss you every one of those fucking times,” Alex says. There’s a loaded moment where Alex is sure that if he stopped the car, Jack would pull his seatbelt off and run right out the door. Neither of them say anything, they just listen to the car engine rev as Alex accelerates.

“What’s stopping you now?” Jack says, voice smaller than Alex has ever heard it before. Out of the corner of his eye, Alex can see Jack twiddling his thumbs, twisting and turning his fingers to occupy himself. Alex wants to reach out and take one of his hands in his own.

He does.

Jack lets him lace their fingers together, squeezing momentarily before relaxing the grip. The tiny touch electrocutes him, sending a million shockwaves through his mind. There’s an angry swarm of bees in Alex’s chest where his heart should be, buzzing around quickly to find their escape. He’s afraid of what happens when he opens his mouth, that they’ll come out and sting Jack and cause irreparable damage.

“I’m afraid,” is what he settles for, tossed out into the empty air.

“Of what?”

“Of this. Of us. Of what happens if this goes wrong. Or even worse, if it goes right.”

Jack squeezes his hand again. Alex keeps driving.

“Why do you have to be so worried all the time?” Jack says, voice leaning towards teasing, but just only slightly. The other half is reserved, hiding away in case Alex manages to fuck this up in the next five minutes.

“Someone has to be,” Alex mumbles.

Jack tsks, shaking his head in Alex’s peripheral vision. “Pull over,” Jack instructs.

When Alex doesn’t do so, head too wrapped up in itself to hear the instruction, Jack repeats himself more urgently, “Alex, pull over.”

Alex does, inner voice yelling “This is it! He’s gonna get out and walk away and never talk to you again!” His hand shakes over the gearshift, putting the car in park and holding onto the knob in place of taking Jack’s hand again.

Jack turns, crossing his left leg under his right to face Alex completely. Alex mirrors the position to the best of his ability, slightly more optimistic than he was a minute ago. Jack stares at him, brown eyes tracing over his face for what feels like the millionth time today. There can’t possibly be anything new for him to inspect over the past few hours.

Still, he finds what he’s looking for this time because he smiles, toothy and exaggerated with the bubbling happiness there. “Will you fucking kiss me already?” Jack asks, leaning forwards just a little bit over the center console.

“But what about-” Alex starts.

“If you would just stop thinking for just a goddamn second, I need you to kiss me like, now, for all the shit that you’ve put me through in the past few weeks.”

Alex gapes for a moment, shocked by the bluntness of it all, yet not at all because this is Jack. Jack, who asks for what he wants and shamelessly flirts with anyone who walks his way and has the aura of a guy who can take anyone he wants home without effort.

But it’s also Jack, who stares at Alex when he thinks he’s not looking, who wants to be held and touched and loved, reminded that he’s important. It’s always been Jack, and it always will be.

Alex finally moves to get as close to Jack as possible, body gravitating towards the other. Jack sighs in relief, meeting Alex in the middle quickly. It’s not a particularly spectacular kiss, with the angle and the vibrations of the car and the way that Jack is smiling, but its them. It’s just the two of them with no distractions or interruptions or chances for things to go terribly wrong.

Alex still thinks that it’s the best kiss he’s ever had.

Jack tries to deepen the kiss, pressing his lips to Alex’s like he’s going to disappear at any moment. Alex leans forwards just a little more, intending on giving into what Jack wants. His seatbelt has other plans, clicking once it’s reached the point of extension and winding backwards, effectively ending the kiss.

“The seatbelt really fucked that one up,” Alex laughs, unbuckling himself and rubbing where the rope wore into his neck a tiny bit.

Jack groans, throwing his head back dramatically, “This is bullshit because that looks like I gave you a hickey and I didn’t even get close enough to you for that. I wait fucking _years_ to kiss you and this is how the universe repays me?”

Alex’s mind latches onto only one word. “Years?” he echos, blinking at Jack in the setting sun.

Jack smiles, one that only Alex gets to see. He didn’t know how lucky he was to be able to experience that smile, only realizing it now in the safety of his car in the middle of nowhere. “Years,” he confirms, “Of course it’s been years. Thought I would be waiting for you to catch up for the rest of my life.”

Alex opens his mouth to argue but closes it promptly. If he thinks back to their past, he might be able to pick out the times that things with Jack felt a little too much like home to be anything but romantic. Maybe he’s been too busy drowning in the rest of the world and the pressure and the mere idea of existing as a human being to see that Jack’s always been right in front of him, guiding him with an outstretched hand.

When things go wrong, Jack is there. When things work out perfectly, Jack is there. When he doesn’t know which way is up, Jack is there. Alex can count the moments in his life without Jack on one hand, all insignificant compared to the overwhelming reality that Jack has been his forever, even if he didn’t know it.

They have more to work out and talk through, but Alex simply reaches across the car, taking Jack’s hand in his. He brings their clasped hands up to his mouth once again, pressing a short kiss to the skin on Jack’s hand. When Alex looks up, Jack is smiling back at him.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com) 💜


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